Romantic Relationships
It’s impossible for me to talk about my self-love journey without talking about my journey with romantic relationships. You see, since I was young, I’d been obsessed with the concept of falling in love and finding your person. It seemed like the only answer for a woman’s happiness, pleasure and growth was to find her soulmate! And when I entered the world of relationships from this perspective at the age of 18, I was set up for failure.
I was incredibly insecure and very desperate; all I wanted was for someone to come along and save me. There was this a void inside of me that was longing to feel seen, loved and accepted. A void I tried to fill with ‘love’ and attention from boys.
My chapter of toxic relationships included ones that ended with police. Ones that ended with him stealing money from me. Relationships where I was emotionally abused. Relationships where I thought that he was my saving grace but instead, he left. It was one after the other, after the other and for a while I found myself in playing the victim of these relationships. It took a lot of self-reflection and self-love to realize that I played a role in each of these relationships as well. That there was accountability for me to hold and I that wouldn’t be able to heal until I acknowledged that. I had to be very honest with myself, evaluate what was causing me to behave the way I was, take the lessons, and move forward.
The lessons:
I was looking to be saved and maintained little standards. Anyone who gave me the right attention would get a chance.
I was focused on being the right person for them, not if they were the right person for me.
I was a chameleon. I would change myself to fit into what the guy liked / wanted.
I was terrified of being alone.
I was operating in a very toxic place myself.
How to communicate myself in a healthy, open, and honest way.
The important of considering others’ perspectives.
I was able to experience what it felt like to have my cup filled instead of constantly emptying my cup for others.
I was able to experience what it felt like to be treated like a Queen.
I was able to experience what rock bottom felt like and looked like.
I was able to experience what love wasn’t.
When I left my last relationship, I left with the intention of saving myself. I left with this unshakable knowing of what real, honest, true love felt like and I recognized very clearly that wasn’t what I had.
My perspective of relationships shifted from “I need to be saved” to “I am whole and looking for a person to share that with”. And not long after that is when I entered my relationship with lovey.
To put it simply: I have found myself in the most beautiful partnership that I could have ever imagined for myself. And through it, I am loving myself on a deeper level. It became clear very early on that this man was a partner. Someone who supports me on the deepest level. Someone who gives me the space to experience, heal, and grow. And I learned that in the right relationship, you’ll have the space to grow and evolve as if you were single!
Let me explain:
A lot of the time we hear: “before you enter a new relationship, be single and learn about yourself; about what you like and what you don’t like”. And I completely agree with that! But I also believe you can do those things in a relationship as well, so long as you are with the right person. A person who will give you the space to explore, heal, grow, and learn about yourself while supporting you and celebrating you along the way!
Getting out of the world of toxic relationships is not easy. Ultimately, you have to decide: “Do I continue to sacrifice myself for this person? Or do I save myself?”. You have to decide that you deserve better. That you are worthy of good, healthy love. And that good, healthy love is abundant.
To get out of the world of toxic relationships, you have to take accountability for the role you played. You have to take the lessons, choose to heal, and leave. Leave all of it behind and choose YOU instead. Explore YOU instead. Whether that is single or with a real, true partner.
Q&A
1. How do you let go of things your partner has done in the past?
Decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship and what you’re not willing to accept in a relationship.
Pay attention to the person standing in front of you - is the person standing in front of you the person you want to build a future with?
If they’re someone who respects you, puts in the work to be better for himself and for you, cheers for you, and makes you fall deeper in love with yourself just by being with him, then work on healing that wound.
If they’re someone who is not making the effort to give you what you need (despite you asking for it on multiple occasions), makes the situation worse and leaves you feeling emptier, then run. RUN!
2. What things contribute to a healthy loving relationship, opposed to a toxic one?
While this is not a complete list, in a healthy, loving relationship there is:
Mutual respect
Safety to be honest, open and yourself
Effort
Open communication
Space for you both to flourish, grow, and become solidified in your truth and power
Individuality
3. In your experience, what has been the most toxic and healthiest forms of communication with a partner?
Toxic communication = abusive, lack of communication, gaslighting, name calling, feeling like it isn’t safe to express yourself, me -vs- you mentality
Healthy communication = abundant communication, feeling safe to express yourself, respectful, honest, us -vs- the problem mentality
4. I’m scared of heartbreak. How can you get over that fear?
What is the root of this fear?
Is it that you have a fear of being seen? Anxiety about being left? Fear of vulnerability?
Where else does this fear show up in your life?
Is it just in romantic relationships or is it also present with public speaking, applying to jobs, making new friends?
Dive into healing the underlying fear and create crystal clarity around your boundaries in relationships, identify what you’re looking for in a partner, and embody how your person makes you feel (see the journal prompts below). These will guide you when you decide to take the plunge and put yourself out there!
