Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is like working a muscle; the more you exercise them, the stronger they become! Being strong in this skill is not supposed to come easy and it’s not supposed to happen overnight. So, it’s important when you’re first starting to flex this muscle to:
Start small. Say no to things you don’t want to do, present alternatives, vocalize your disagreements, dump it all into your journal for further reflection, chat with a therapist or coach about the experience
Explore the experience of noticing: “ooh - ok, this doesn’t feel good. Maybe I require a boundary to be placed here”.
Celebrate your strength and courage when you do communicate a boundary.
Get curious about the boundaries of your loved ones and open the conversation for you to learn more.
If you fail to set a boundary, take the lesson of that experience and use it to learn more about how you can protect yourself in the future.
Acknowledge that you’re learning and trying something new. This work requires a new level of you!
If you find it particularly difficult to set boundaries, the root cause might be coming from past traumas, fear of rejection, and/or low self-esteem. It’s important to dig deeper into these areas through self-reflection, therapy or coaching. The sooner you figure out what’s blocking you from protecting your well-being, the sooner you can live more peacefully & intentionally!
The best way I can put it to you is this:
If you hurt someone’s feelings or said/did something that wasn’t in alignment with them, wouldn’t you want them to tell you so that it doesn’t happen again? Of course you would! So if we flip the script and someone were to cross our boundaries, we should bring the same energy! We want to make sure we’re protecting our well-being, peace and happiness by informing the other person that what they’ve said/done isn’t OK with you.
Using my 3 coaching pillars of self-love, Wardrobe Revival, and relationships, let’s dive into what boundaries might look like for each:
Boundaries with self:
The cue that a boundary has been crossed: recurring thoughts / habits that pull you away from yourself / your truth / your happiness / your high vibration causing heaviness, distress.
The pivot: shift the narrative / habit & stop the spiral. Journal, brain dump, watch a motivating video, listen to a motivating podcast, exercise, talk it out.
Personal example: I used to maintain the habit of jumping on my phone right after waking up. When I did that, I felt foggy and out of alignment. So I decided to plug my phone in across the room and take the first hour of my days to stretch, meditate, read, etc. instead. I quickly noticed the difference!
Boundaries in wardrobe:
The cue that a boundary has been crossed: wearing/owning pieces that make you feel lesser, unattractive, self-conscious. Wearing/owning pieces that carry negative memories/energy.
The pivot: Replace these pieces with ones that make you feel good, confident, and beautiful. Remember that the problem is never you. The problem is always the clothing.
Client example: I worked with a lovely woman who shared a story of her shifted mindset as a result of our work together. She bought a new pair of jeans online, and when they arrived, they didn’t fit. Before our work together, she would have gone down the spiral of thinking her body wasn’t good enough. But instead, she leaned into our work of positive body-image and reminded herself: “It’s not my body, it’s the jeans!”. With no judgement to her gorgeous body, she returned the jeans and looked for ones that fit well and made her feel amazing.
Boundaries in relationships:
The cue that a boundary has been crossed: someone’s behaviour/words pull you away from yourself / your truth / your happiness / your high vibration causing heaviness, distress.
The pivot: communicate your boundary and evaluate the response.
Personal example: Many moons ago, a girlfriend of mine would give me updates on what my ex was doing / saying about me. When she did, I was pulled out of alignment and went down the rabbit hole of anger, resentment, etc. So I communicated to her: “Please don’t provide me with any more updates”. Her response was appropriate, and we went on about our day! She never shared about my ex again and I am so grateful for our friendship.
When setting boundaries with others, it’s VERY important to evaluate their response.
What do you deem an appropriate and an inappropriate response to your boundaries? (see toxic -vs- healthy communication here)
If the response is inappropriate, what is your next step?
Often, if the response is inappropriate, the person is looking to fight with you. The purpose of setting a boundary is not to start an argument; it’s meant to maintain the relationship in a way that is respectful. So if the response is aggressive or feels like an attack, how do you want to navigate it?
While it depends on the specifics of the situation, I generally respond with silence if I deem their response is inappropriate as I refuse to be pulled out of my truth and behave in a way that is out of alignment for me.
Whatever you do: do not allow the person on the receiving end of your boundary setting to make you feel guilty for doing so. You have every right to feel what you’re feeling, and someone who responds to your vulnerability and honesty with a guilt trip is not worth your energy.
Quick tips for communicating a boundary:
Leave out any gossipy he-said, she-said information and stick to the facts of the situation.
Do not apologize. You are protecting your space and well-being and doing so is imperative.
Do keep in mind that it is OK for your boundaries to be flexible. They don’t have to be these rigid spikes of armour surrounded by fire! They can change in accordance to your setting or who you’re interacting with. It’s completely up to you to design, and that’s where it gets really exciting! Create the time and space for yourself to evaluate and reflect on what is and is not appropriate for you.
Yes, love. This is hard work. I won’t sugar coat that for you. But this work is also imperative to ensure your space, well-being, and peace is protected!
Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
Repeat after me:
I can do this.
It’s my job to protect my own well-being.
My feelings are valid, regardless of what others may think about them.
The only person I require permission from about who I am, what I want, and what I think is ME.
It is my responsibility to end relationships that are damaging to my wellbeing.
NO ONE has the right to verbally abuse me, including my own thoughts, friends, family, coworkers, and significant others.
It’s ok for others to be angry with my boundaries.
Feeling like you need more support with boundary setting?
Q&A
1. How do you handle someone who continues to cross your boundaries?
Remove them from your space until they put in the work to actually change. Keep in mind that it takes a long time for people to make real, honest and true changes to their mindset and behavior. This isn’t a *one week* or *one month* time frame.
Ask yourself: If I give this person another chance to access me and my energy, will I end up in this same position again after X amount of time?
2. How to set boundaries / say no when you typically show up bubbly & as a “yes” woman?
Give yourself the permission to *not* be the bubbly, yes woman.
Give yourself permission to not show up from a place of what others expect you to be.
It’s IMPOSSIBLE to *always* be bubbly. It’s impossible to *always* say yes!
3. Do you need to explicitly state a boundary? Or can you just say “this makes me feel bad” and they’ll get it?
It depends on the situation and the relationship you have with the person! Some instances may need an explicit boundary, some don’t. Some might later on!
If it’s a relationship you’re looking to maintain, it’s more important to provide clarity on the next step of what you need from the person you’re setting a boundary with. Are you looking for space? Changed behavior? Whatever it is, it’s important to provide this transparency.
If you’re unsure of what you need, it’s ok to take some time and space to sort that out as long as you come back to them with more clarity.
4. How have you instilled healthy boundaries without offending or tarnishing the relationship?
I think the answer to this comes down to:
Being aggressive -vs- assertive
The self-awareness of the other person & their ability to take accountability
I encourage you to approach this practice from a place of not believing the person intentionally tried to hurt you (unless they did - but that’s a different conversation). Communicate in a way that is very clear, honest and factual. Avoid “you” statements, blaming and name calling.
Ask yourself: If I crossed this boundary with someone, how would I want them to communicate that to me? And then follow suit!
5. How do I honour my own boundaries/time for myself when I get a bad case of FOMO (fear of missing out)?
FOMO can stem from:
A place of scarcity
A ‘lack’ mindset, a place of shortage
Work on shifting to a place of abundance
External gratification -vs- internal gratification
Turning to others for the standard of what ‘happiness’, ‘fun’, or ‘romance’ looks like is a sure-fire way to miss out on these feelings
Shift your attention inward; within yourself, your relationships, your life
Notice what it feels like in your body when FOMO creeps in.
Notice the repeating thoughts your brain has.
Identify what your cues are.
What the cues could signal for you is:
Reduce your online time
Remind yourself that social media is a highlight reel that provides a mere glimpse. It’s never the full story.
Create an action plan for yourself
For example, pulling out your journal and listing 3 things that you’re grateful for
Start exploring activities that bring you joy
Refer to your self-care toolbox and start playing with activities that bring you closer to yourself
